Today was a perfect example of how well taken in hand has worked to improve our marriage. I laid down for a nap and woke up much later than I planned. The only issue was I needed to be up in time to get us all ready for an afternoon barbeque we were attending at the lake. Well I woke up a half an hour before we needed to leave after a very long nap. When I came out I was very annoyed with my husband because he hadn’t bothered to wake me up. No one was ready, nothing was packed for the lake, and no food was ready to take. Basically we needed to leave in 20 minutes and we were nowhere near ready to go. Then in addition to that my husband didn’t seem to care in the least. I was incredibly mad that he hadn’t bothered to wake me up or begin getting things ready for the lake.

So I had a choice to make. I could get really annoyed. I could be bitchy and bossy. I could rant at him for having the nerve to be so indifferent. I knew I would get into quite a bit of trouble if I did give into my temper. Yet when I am that mad don’t always care. But somehow for the most part I controlled myself. We began to get ready to go. I made a rude comment to my husband as we were discussing how we had no food ready to take with us. My comment was “Well yeah, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that we don’t have time to stop at the store now!” Of course he didn’t appreciate my attitude and he said, “Alright, that’ll be enough of that now!” I was surprised. He took me in hand verbally in a way that he has only recently mastered. Then he came over and made me look him in the eye. He informed me that I had better watch my attitude. I said ok meekly and went on my way.

He sat there not really helping for a few minutes. I managed to politely ask him if he would help me do A and B. He was glad to help. We continued getting things together in a hurry. I managed to find food we could bring that we had on hand. We got the beach toys out. It seemed he was in my way wherever I went. He was really getting on my nerves but I didn’t go into my usual snit. Because I held my temper he was able to hold his temper as well. We both managed to get through the afternoon without a major blowup. As we were putting things in the trunk he again quietly reminded me to mind my attitude. He reminded me that he was in charge and I wasn’t to go around being bitchy. We drove to the lake in relative quiet. We still weren’t on good terms. I was still mad because we were running late but I held my tongue. He held his tongue as well. He isn’t generally verbally obnoxious as long as I’m not ticking him off.

We had a lovely time with our friends at the lake. We had a family come over after the lake to chat with us a while longer. After they left we worked together to clean up the dishes and get the kids to bed. Why was I able to control myself instead of going into my usual rant? It wasn’t because I would surely be taken in hand physically if I didn’t control my temper. That was in my mind but that wasn’t the main reason. I think it was because I had been practicing. Being taken in hand has forced me to control my temper better. Now I am in the habit of controlling myself. I am in the habit of not saying mean angry things to my husband. I am in the habit of staying respectful and kind. I am in the habit of politely requesting his help with things. He is always willing to help me if I ask kindly. He is not angry with me if I am not bitchy with him. He is also in the habit of minding his temper better. He is much more likely to give me a calm verbal reminder or a calm physical reminder than to spew caustic words at me like he used to do at times. He controls his temper as well as helping me to control mine. I control my temper and by doing so I help him to control his. We rarely ever have major blow out fights anymore. We both manage to act like mature adults.

I must admit that, in this situation, I would have been pretty annoyed myself. It doesn't seem to me entirely unreasonable that you should be irritated that your husband hadn't done anything to get ready for your outing while you were asleep, or else woken you up so that you could help. In this situation, my husband would most probably have got everything ready by the time I woke up, he might make some mildly sarky comment about me managing to sleep while he was doing all the work, and I might get a bit peeved by that, but he would nip any irritability in the bud. Maybe your husband didn't really want to go on this outing, is that what the problem was? Was he getting in your way because he didn't want you to be ready on time? Didn't he think you would be annoyed that he hadn't done anything to get ready while you were asleep? it sounds like it was something he wasn't terribly keen on doing.

...but I would have to control myself. This situation (as described by forty something wife) is totally something that my husband would have done. Not because he doesn't like to help, he just doesn't see things that need to be done. If I am not home by dinnertime, he will not just make dinner, he will call me and ask what I am making for dinner. When he is packing for a trip, he will not pack my or the kids' clothes unless I ask him to, whereas I pack his clothes unless he says he will do it. It's not that he doesn't want to help or that he is unwilling to help. There are just certain things that he doesn't think of. Unless I told him to wake me up, he wouldn't realize how much time it would take to get ready and he might not think that we would need to bring food unless someone explicitly told him. Even then, it might just pass out of his mind. He just doesn't think of those things unless I tell him. They are not his job, they are mine. Not because I am the woman but because that is what I am good at and he is not. He takes care of other things and I am sure sometimes it frustrates him to no end that I don't just automatically do them. Now if I said to him, "I am going to take a nap would you please make sure I am up by such and such a time." and he didn't wake me up, then I would be annoyed. Or if I said, "I am too tired to get ready for the picnic, could you do the things on my list while I take a nap?" and he said he would but then didn't, then I would be annoyed. Otherwise, I might be annoyed but it would do me no good and it would be hurtful to him if I acted upon it. This is the man I married. I know that.

I can totally relate to what Otter is saying about her husband. My husband also just sits there and as I (who is apparently not as controlled as Otter) get frustrated, he will eventually say, "Just tell me what needs to be done and I'll do it". I want to scream and say, "Why do I have to tell you - just do something! Can't you see all that needs to be done?". In the past, this could have turned into a ruined day for us all. However, like Otter's husband, Rich does many things to take care of me and our family. He takes care of things I don't even know about. He gladly helps when I ask for it. When it is not in the heat of the moment, I remember that and it is fine that I do things that he doesn't even realize need done with the kids or the house. Now, getting back to the heat of the moment. This is where Loveawake has come in good for us. In a situation such as above, instead of it turning into anger, resentment and hurt feelings, Rich can stop those feelings in me instantly. Usually, he does come to me and tries to be gentle. If I am already angry, I won't want to be near him like this and I will try to turn away. But he just holds me close to him and won't let me go. It only takes a second and I am melting and becoming less tense. His tone may be firm as he tells me to calm down but I am feeling that loving control coming through loud and clear. It calms me down like nothing else can. So for me, my husband usually does need to touch me to take me in hand but it doesn't have to be a spanking.

Actually, I don't think he needs to be on top of everything anymore than I need to be. I didn't give up worrying about and trying to do *everything* just so he could start. He has his jobs, I have mine. This is not one of his. Putting things on the wall, that's one of his jobs. Carrying heavy things, that's one of his jobs. Killing the bugs, that's one of his jobs. Those kinds of things. No, it's not rocket science but neither is making money and that is not something I worry about. Why is him letting me worry about the house being a Peter Pan? Does that mean that my staying home and letting him worry about the money makes me a little girl waiting for Daddy to take care of me?